the past...

Today was a day of self-reflection. Elder Holland spoke at the BYU devotional today. A living apostle! How grateful I am that the Lord continues to call apostles and prophets in this day to lead and guide us. I am constantly humbled and amazed by the love the Lord has for us- the concern and the unending flow of blessings he provides for us. Not only did he atone for our sins, but he continues to be a support and friend each and every day. I am so grateful for that!

Elder Holland spoke about Lot's wife and how she was commanded to not look back as Sodom and Gomorrah were being destroyed. She did and was also destroyed. But why? Because she was disobedient? or something deeper? Elder Holland discussed the fact that maybe it was because she looked back longingly, maybe even with resentment to the Lord for losing everything she had- she lacked faith that the Lord could provide her something better in the future than what she had in the past. I've thought about that a lot. He talked about not dwelling on past sins- of yourself or of others. It is so easy to argue and bring up events from years ago that have long been repented of. It's like opening a wound that the Savior himself suffered and died for to heal- and we demand to reopen it again and again for the purpose of inflicting pain on others or even on ourselves. It's not right and it lacks faith. We have to believe in ourselves and in others.

I have to admit I'm guilty of that. Especially with myself... I tend to recant past sins and mistakes over and over again, even though I know that I have changed, fixed things, and been forgiven. How easy it is- but how detrimental it is to our eternal progression.

I think that sometimes, in an effort to stabilize and control our present situations and futures, we rely on the past because it is the only stable and sure thing that we have. It's happened. It's relatively clear. It's concrete. But what we hold to at this moment and what awaits us in the future lacks that.

I've been stressed lately with grad school applications- as well with a "potential interest". That's what I'll call it. Just a guy that I don't know very well who I very much want to get to know better. Just FYI- I should be fired from the love realm. I did something stupid last night- I didn't even think about it being interpreted wrong. It probably wasn't even noted, but all the same- I need to think before I act. Anyways- in both circumstances, everything is completely preliminary, no future to be held yet. My applications aren't even in yet- but there is always the potential in any circumstance for my life to drastically change. How easy it is to turn to the past for a crutch of surety. But I have learned that the past is a gift- it molds you and defines you in so many ways. However, it does not have to control you. Change is always at our fingertips if we are willing to embrace what lies ahead- as uncertain and scary as that can be at times.

Did I mention I'm going to Guatemala this summer?!